10 Ways to Wreak a Terrible Revenge

10. Start dating a very large, very intimidating, heavily tattooed man. You know, someone who looks like he could snap a person’s neck in two the way that other people snap pretzel sticks. Of course, he WOULDN’T do that, but he COULD do it if he wanted to. Have tattooed man constantly around you, thereby creating a general sense of constant unease and anxiety in the subject of your revenge.

9. Start dating an incredibly hot person (of either sex). You know, someone that looks like they should be on the cover of Playboy or Playgirl. Have said hot person constantly around, thereby creating a general sense of constant, stomach-churning, self-hating envy and self-doubt in the subject of your revenge.

8. Win the lottery. Buy an island. Build an island resort. Invite everyone except the person on whom you wish to wreak a terrible revenge. ALL THE PEOPLE. ALL OF THEM.

7. Create a highly-popular cultural work that depicts exactly how you feel and think about said person and how your point of view is completely right and how they are THE WORST HUMAN BEING IN THE WORLD (see, for example, ‘Eat Pray Love’ or Noah and the Whale’s ‘The First Days of Spring’). Distribute said-cultural work widely. Preferably sell the movie rights and create a follow-up and/or sequel/prequel. Give many public interviews in which you explicitly state that said person was the ‘inspiration’ for said work.

6. Discover what person’s favourite food is. For example, burgers. Insert something into favourite food that should not be in said favourite food. For example, horsemeat. Or, mad cow disease. Create national health and safety panic which gradually fades into national health and safety unease, so that, even 10 years down the line, the subject of your terrible revenge is still unable to completely enjoy said favourite food.

5. Accidentally, on-purpose run into them at the supermarket. Pretend not to see them. Or, see them and act aloof. Or, pretend that you’ve actually completely forgotten who they are. Do a big act of trying to remember their name. Then, with great fanfare (and much volume) announce that you remember how you know this person now, wasn’t this the person who had uncontrollable diarrohea on the school excursion/graduation day/national television that one time?

4. Get better than them at the one thing that brings them joy and happiness, the thing that makes them feel like a worthwhile human being. If they pride themselves on singing, then you should win X Factor. If they are an excellent kick-boxer, you should become the WORLD CHAMPION KICK-BOXER. If they are the 5 time Mars Bar Brownie Champion of the Mudgee Country Show, then, GODDAMN IT, if you don’t go off and buy yourself a 10 pound bag of Mars Bars and get your arse in the kitchen and start making brownies until you are the 6 time Mars Bar Brownie Champion of the Mudgee Country Show.

3. Have a huge argument with said person, in which you detail exactly how they are a horrible, horrible human being, list all the terrible things they have done and how you will never, ever forgive them. And then run off in the rain and get hit by bus. Not, deliberately, of course, but preferably right in front of them so that for the rest of their life, not only can they never argue back or defend themselves from your depiction of them, but they will have to feel guilty for having made you run out in the rain and get hit by a bus.

2. Become Prime Minister. Create a national day in which all people must express their hatred for said person. Preferably in the form of burning effigies. Think Guy Fawkes Night.

1. Win the Pulitzer Prize. And an Oscar. And a Tony. And a Grammy. And the Nobel Peace Prize. Or, actually, any of the Nobel Prizes.




1 Comment

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One response to “10 Ways to Wreak a Terrible Revenge

  1. I love you, genius you are. Plus I can confirm that number 7 works. It doesn’t even need to become all tat highly popular, a one week run of people laughing at highlights from horrible person is quite cathartic enough. X

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