Why I Will Never Get Married

So, I think I’ve worked out why I am almost doomed to stay single. For me to be able to become romantically attached to a guy (this doesn’t necessarily mean being in a relationship with them, it just means, me liking them), these 3 steps must be fulfilled:

1) When I first meet a guy, I have to think that they are either equal or lower down the scale to myself in talent, intelligence, attractiveness, social skills, humor etc. This enables me to speak to them without developing a stutter, short-term memory loss, or the ability to fall over my own feet whilst apparently standing perfectly still. Alternatively, if I think they are a ‘better person’ than myself, in terms of achievements, skills, popularity etc. they have to be super-super-super nice and extra-friendly for me to be able to talk to them comfortably.

2) At some point during this friendship, or companionship or whatever, I have to realise that the guy is actually a much, much better person than myself (in all the ways already mentioned), whether or not this is by discovering previously hidden talents, by seeing other girls decide they like the guy or whatever. When I discover said guy is a much better person than myself, I will then fall for them.

3) To seal the deal, said guy must not be interested in me, or, preferably, treat me like shit. If he makes the fatal mistake of seemingly being interested in me, or, even worse, being very enthusiastic about me, I will suddenly decide there must be something wrong with him.

This pattern doesn’t happen very often, as you can imagine, and very often ends in disaster for myself, hence why the single life is not very kind to me. However, at the same time, I’m probably going to be spending a lot more of my life being single.

Luckily, I don’t have the same issues with cats…

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