How to Be a Princess

Well. I know I was going to take inspiration from newspapers for NYWM, but I’ve had a look through the paper this morning and nothing grabs me. However, when I was looking through my eldest girl’s bookshelf this morning, I found a book which filled me with horror and glee, so I’m going to use it instead. Its called, ‘How to be a Princess in 7 days or less.’ Unfortunately, it wasn’t nearly so horrendous as I had hoped it would be, so I’ve taken bits of it and made it more fun.
Apparently, any girl can be a princess (suck on that, Kate Middleton). You don’t even need a castle or a palace, you just need a ‘cool bedroom, fabulous sense of style and the right attitude!’ Lets learn together, shall we?
So, the first day is ‘D-Day’. That’s D for Decorating, ok? Now, according to the book, decoration need only take the form of various shades of pink, white and lace, with the occasional flourish of purple and silver. But, remember! A princess’ bedroom should show who she is! So, make sure you use your own unique combination of pink, white and purple. Don’t just be copying the book! Maybe you’re more a pink curtains kind of princess? I mean, that’s totally different from the white curtains princess! Most of all, you should remember that the bedroom is where princesses get pretty, so make sure you keep lots of mirrors and make-up around. What’s that? You’re only 8? Good time to get started then! Plenty of years of self-doubt and hatred ahead of you! Other fun things to do on D-Day involve covering everything in the house with glitter. Lots of glitter. There is nothing in your house that won’t be improved with glitter! And, if its not improved, add more glitter!
On Day 2, we organise the perfect princess party, presumably to announce your new-found status as a princess (if only Kate had known that it only took a day to organise – she was running around for months, getting ready! Silly girl). You should make invitations (more glitter), and invite some ‘handsome princes’! Remember, though, that princes who are handsome to begin with might one day lose all their hair and their sex appeal, and you’ll suddenly wish you actually hooked up with their rebellious, bad-boy brother who wears Nazi uniforms in a satirical, humorous way (even if the tabloids don’t agree). So, choose carefully. Real princesses don’t end up in the gossip pages, no matter what they tell you. Cinderella wasn’t splashed all over the ‘News of the World’ as a money-grubbing, social climber and Rupert Murdoch didn’t make a fortune off of an exclusive revealing Sleeping Beauty’s real age.
Day 3 is all about the ‘sparkly stuff’, because all the glitter from the last two days wasn’t enough. A princess can never have enough jewels, this is the lesson for Day 3. In fact, forget everything else in your life, any goals or ambitions that you may have had to, I don’t know, become a doctor, or build schools in deprived African communities, and replace them with this single thought: GET MORE JEWELS. I don’t care how you get them. Just get them.
Day 4 is all about looking good. Remember what I said before about princesses being pretty? YOU MUST BE PRETTY.  Have you ever seen an ugly princess in your storybooks? I didn’t think so. Have you ever seen an ugly princess on the telly? Exactly. Yes, ok, there was Fergie, but they got rid of her, didn’t they? Besides, she was a Duchess. Duchesses can be ugly. Its in the name. Duchess. Ick. Reminds me of ducks. Who wants to look like a duck? That’s right, nobody. Anyway, today we are learning to be pretty princesses. See how the words kind of match? That’s how you know it must be true. Princesses have to be pretty. The most important thing about being pretty is that you need lots of clothes. In fact, you should probably have more clothes than you have jewels. Because, you know, clothes are cheaper than jewels (mind, though, don’t be buying CHEAP clothes, that’s not what I’m saying, a princess won’t be caught dead in CHEAP clothes…)
On Day 5 we learn all about royal etiquette. Chief amongst this skill, is the ability to wave properly. You should greet your subjects with an elegant and graceful motion – not like you’re trying to direct traffic! Practice in front of one of the many mirrors in your room before attempting this in public. You never know what might happen with an ill-prepared wave.
Day 6 is all about cooking. What, wait? A princess doesn’t cook! What kind of a stupid book is this?? We princesses have SERVANTS, don’t you know? Though I appreciate the inclusion of sparkly biscuits – the food version of glitter. Remember, there is nothing that can’t be fixed with glitter. The UN really just needs one great vat of multi-coloured glitter to sprinkle over things like the Middle East crisis and Afghanistan, and then we’d all be ok. It can also be used in innovative ways in the provision of medicine and the health service. Got cancer? Glitter!
Day 7 is princess pamper time. Got to get the body and face in shape for the big night! We don’t want to get Pippa-ed at our own princess party! If only Kate had known that the world wanted a sleek silhouette instead of all that lace and frou-frou, there’d be Facebook pages dedicated to her behind by now as well. The best way to start off is with a lovely bubble bath, bubbles being the water form of glitter, don’t you know? Though, you can even get bubble baths with actual glitter in them as well these days! Isn’t that just heaven? Once you’ve gotten all lovely and bubbled and glittered up, you can choose one of your many outfits and jewels, collected throughout the week, for your princess party. Make sure you choose well. A shade of pink is always advisable. Possibly pink with some glitter. I mean, you don’t want to confuse people! There would be nothing more embarrassing than turning up to your own princess party wearing, say, a green dress, with no glitter and everyone looking around going, ‘well, who’s the princess then? It can’t be that girl, after all, she’s not wearing a scrap of pink or glitter!’

Kate Middleton: pink and shiny (shiny being the grown-up form of glitter). She must be a princess!

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