Well, it was bound to happen.
Things couldn’t stay idyllic forever. I wasn’t going to be able to be Miss Perky and Miss Optimistic 2011 for the entirety of my time in Ireland.
Even though I’ve been complaining about how tired I am, and how I’d like some time off to do some writing and rest and how I need to get away from the girls etc. etc. when I finally had some time off yesterday, everything went downhill.
I had a lovely Saturday – got up for a run, walked into Bandon, joined the library and got some books, did some writing, ate an enormous piece of strawberry cheesecake, went to the post office and walked home again. Apart from some guilt over the elder girl (‘Why can’t I come with you?’ ‘Because I’m only going to be doing work in Bandon and its going to be boring’ *slams door in my face*. Actual answer should of course be, ‘Because I get weekends off!!!!!’), the day was lovely. I had a good evening too, I was babysitting and even though I did have to play 6 games of Ludo and 6 games of Snakes & Ladders, and the eldest girl kept hiding things from me and then insisting she hadn’t (she is still insisting until today that I’m the big, fat, liar, not her – she also at one point yesterday told me I had thin hair, a big bum and spots, all because I wasn’t going to along with her games of hiding and cheating *sigh*), it was a decent night.
BUT, come Sunday morning, I was at a loss of things to do. I’m still not insured on the car, so I couldn’t drive anywhere, it was raining so I couldn’t walk to Bandon, and whilst I wanted to do some writing, my head was in such a funk because I couldn’t get out of the house, that it became almost impossible. I ended up lying on the couch, staring at the computer screen and/or the TV screen for the majority of the day and eating peanut butter and nutella sandwiches (an evil, evil thing that Sonia told me about before I left London. Evil because they are so addictive. They’re essentially Reese’s Pieces in sandwich form. But more gooey. They’re like melted Reese’s Pieces. Which makes them SO MUCH better, because all the nutella and peanut butter squirts out the sides and goes on your fingers and then you can lick your fingers and all the drips make patterns on the plate and they are just so delightfully fun to eat! They make me giggle. They make me feel like a little kid. They are also the reason my jeans don’t fit). I got homesick, felt totally useless and spent most of the day sulking. Because I don’t really know anyone here yet either, I couldn’t call anyone to see if they wanted to go out, or at least talk with them over the phone. Also, because it was my day off, I was trying to avoid the girls, to give myself a break before I had to take responsibility for them again this week. It meant there was very little I could do in the house or in the backyard, because as soon as I did, there was the eldest girl, ‘What are you doing? Where are you going? Can’t I come? Can’t we play Ludo? Can’t we play Snakes & Ladders’ etc. etc. etc.
In the evening I finally got off my arse and decided to do something different, so I played my violin for an hour and a half, trying to pick out the tune of various songs and get used to the new, much cheaper violin that I bought in Cork. This was very pleasant for me, but I don’t think was very pleasant for the rest of the household – when I came out to the kitchen the radio was turned all the way up and the dad asked me, ‘Are you teaching yourself violin, Jenny?’ Ahhh…. no. I’ve been playing since I was 5. Embarrassing. I know I’ve got to keep practicing if I’m going to get any better, but I feel so bad for assaulting their ears all evening I don’t think I’m going to get up the guts to play again for a little while.
Today, despite having to look after both the girls all day (its school holidays) and spending almost an hour and a half arguing with the eldest girl on the way home from our bike ride, I feel so much better and so much more able to think and write. Its something I’m becoming more and more aware of – inspiration needs to be constantly fed by experience. You can’t hope to sit on your arse in the dark, by yourself, and write or create consistently or continually. Your brain is going to run out of fuel. No matter what it is, whether or not its a bike ride, or a workshop, or an argument, or just walking outside, clearing your head and changing the scenery, its going to get you thinking in a different way and start the creative process all over again.
Anywho, that’s my 2 cents worth. the eldest girl has a play date tomorrow, thank goodness, so I’ll just be looking after the younger, which makes things much easier. Its easy to keep one or the other occupied, but the both together is more difficult because each one wants your full attention, and because the younger is obviously less able to do things for herself, she generally wins. Whenever we’re all together, she spends most of the day chirping that her sister is ‘NOT happy.’
Well, it was bound to happen.